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My Embeered Life

Profiles in CBW: Brendon Van Allen

I asked for a landscape picture and this is what he sent me.

I asked for a landscape picture and this is what he sent me.

Name: Brendon Van Allen

Aliases: Brandon, Brendan, Brondan, Brinden, Bronson Vin Diesel, BamBam VangleAngle, Brandon Brandon BRANDON BRANDON FUCKING BRANDON

Hogwarts house: I’m not really into Harry Potter, but I know enough that I would be in Slytherin. And some people would be like “oh no not Slytherin” but what you don’t understand about those that get put into Slytherin is that it feels so good to be put into Slytherin.

What would you say you do here? It’s easier to say what I DON’T do here, which is brew. Sales and inventory and sales and email and make the coffee and sometimes retail and sometimes deliveries and pickups and bananaman and etc and events coordinator and sales and phone answerer and damage control mitigator and friend and husband til death do us part.

How did you get involved with the CBW crew? I was working for another brewery that shall not be named and when you do sales for beer, you tend to meet other breweries quite a bit. So I was doing sales for the unnamed brewery and met Ethab (ed. note: not a typo) and crew during a brewfest or something and it was grand and yea the people rejoiced.

Most memorable event? (Please note: marriages/births are acceptable answers but will result in jeers) It’s not one specific event, moreso a collection of events going up about 100km North of Ottawa to a little lake every year since I was 5 years old. Still going, can’t wait to take my kid when he turns 5. And also going to Belgium for my honeymoon. That shit was cash.

Favorite beer? (See above re: “the one in my hand”) Again, and maybe it’s a cop out like the last question, but the answer is not a specific beer as in brand, but the beer and experience that go together. In other words, Harpoon’s 100 Barrel Series Oyster Stout is one; I loved that beer in the first place and drank it all. When we moved, I found one in a box, brought it up to our camp in Canada, and enjoyed it on the dock with the loons going hootiehoot. That was cool for sure.

Campfire, pool or buffet? Campfire, pool, AND buffet! Thanks for the new business idea. This one is actually harder to answer than you would think. I love food so you would think buffet but buffets tend to have crappy food and you always just end up throwing up afterwards so that’s out. Wait, you don’t throw up after a buffet? ….. Pools are fun and I also love swimming and if you are in a pool it either means it’s summer or you are at a hotel so cool I guess, but I’m gonna go with campfire. Campfire means you are out in nature and probably near a body of water anyways so you could just go swimming in the lake (pool is out) and there is undoubtedly going to be food around too so buffet is for sure this time. Camping. Stop asking hard questions, this is taking time away from doing important things.

What’s something you’ve learned in the past two years? Try not to give too many shits about what other people think. I get stressed out a lot and DO actually care what other people think quite a bit, but I’m selective as to who gets to have that kind of effect on me. Most people, idgaf.

Finally, you get to ask me a question! ORLY? What is the minimum amount of money it would take for you to kill a puppy with your barehands? And don’t tell me you wouldn’t do it; everyone has their price. Additionally, start at a high price and then talk yourself down as much as you possibly can. Good luck, you sick bastard.

Dan: Oh, you’re evil. Because yes, I have a price. And I don’t want to think about what that price is, but we made an agreement here and I have to honor that.

Luckily, I don’t think I could talk myself down. I mean, why would I? “Oh I suppose I could do it for less than three billion”: no, if I get to decide I get to decide. That being said, I’m pretty sure the answer is under a million.

  • Rob H.

    That Puppy Question Is BRUTAL. Also, what kind of puppy would play into the decision.